There are two kinds of wasted talent. One is talent that doesn't get used. The other is

that which is only used for selfish reasons. If I achieve every goal I've ever dreamed of
only to make me happy, then I have failed just as badly as if I lived the rest of my life
in a closet.

I'm in a funk right now. I'm scared, selfish, and fake. Every time I realize these things
it just makes it worse. I get so angry at my own self pity that I just end up feeling more
sorry for myself. I'm so self aware that I always feel like I'm putting on an act for
someone. I literally feel myself listening and watching the things I do like an ever

critiquing third party. It makes authenticity quite a struggle.

It seems to be helpful to just yell really loud as I'm driving by myself. Crying is also
amazing therapy, maybe even the ultimate. If I can just ball my eyes out until my

face muscles are in pure agony, then I'll feel that something has physically left my

body and I've moved forward. How much of it is real though? How many times have

I just cried like a baby about something and still never accomplished anything?

That is our tendency from the beginning! When we pooped in our diapers, we

just cried and moaned until someone came to make everything better again. I'm sick

of being someone who just wants to pitch a fit until someone brings me that spoon

full of delicious apple sauce, or feels sorry for me because of how much pain and

discomfort this gas is causing me.

I'm only typing this out to vent. I hope that putting my frustration into words will

help me get past this nonsense. I hate even spending this much time on it. I would

rather just vomit this into a bag and set it on fire. I'm sure this turmoil inside me

would be very combustable so it's a good thing I don't smoke.

Although sometimes, exploding seems like it would be the best feeling ever.

What a coincidence that I can relate so well with my recent celebrity look alike.

He must have had a similar life moment when he was my age.

"A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like an imminent possibility
to me." - Brandon Boyd

He also mentions gravity and hypocrisy in this song. Way too close to home.

I think he was more frustrated with the world he was watching around him.
I'm dealing with my inside world. The funny thing is, I'm so hypocritical and

so good at blaming, that I blame myself as if I'm another person.

"Matt, this is all your fault."

It's so easy to do. Especially thanks to BP lately. I COULD easily go off on a
tangent and feel a lot better about myself just by mentioning how despicable

it is that the greed and irresponsibility of these men have turned our world

upside down and quite literally crapped on so many lives!

( Mm, that felt good.)

However, the problem is that I've certainly done the same thing in my own

little world in so many ways.

How many of my own "beaches" are destroyed by the darkness I've caused

or let in? I won't even mention the "beaches" of those around me. Oops, mentioned.

This is why I'm not safe in my own hands. Neither is anyone around me.

I need some serious help.

So, is this where I just sit back and wait for someone to rescue me?

I really hope not. We'll see. I really wish I could stop speaking for the next year or so.

If that happened, then maybe one of these words would weigh something.

Friends, I'm not schizophrenic or suicidal. I'm a genuinely happy person with all the blessings a human could ever want or need. If you see me smile, it's real. It means I'm really enjoying that moment. Like everyone else though, I have things that build up, and I have found this to be a great way for me to deal with them. I don't want to seem like I think my problems are even on a chart with real world issues or some of the horrible things that billions of people deal with. I don't want to seem unhappy or ungrateful either. I'm not. I love my life (to death). I really do. I just have thoughts. I'm not sure what my motivation is for sharing my thoughts, but I hope it's only along the lines of me hoping to encourage someone or reach out for someone to relate to. Either way, I don't need pity for times like this. It would only make things worse. Only comment if something connects with you and you want to vent as well. Or for goodness sake share some advice if you've been through something similar.