The following started out as a journal entry but I felt impressed to post it. If you are tagged in this, you might represent a group of people I was thinking of while writing. This is lengthy, don't feel obligated to respond or feel like I'm singling you out. It's just some thoughts. But lately I've seen how "just some thoughts" can become much more meaningful than I imagined.
A confession? An apology? Way too long? Painful to write? This is all of the above.
Hope it helps someone.
There are some moments in life where everything seems to be actually functioning as a system and the world doesn't seem like such a chaotic place. Like the difference between a beautiful song and t.v. static. Somehow right now it seems that the people I'm around and am meeting are tuned in to this same song that I'm hearing. This case is interesting because it didn't take some big tragic event to force me into a new direction. It just took a couple little sparks and an unforeseen changing of circumstances which were pretty big but not emotionally devastating. That's how I know this is real.
Everyday for the past month has been a growing experience. It feels like I've had a big callus removed from my whole body, mind, and soul. I can feel everything. I'm very sensitive to everything. When something is sad, it cuts really deep and completely moves my soul, and when something is positive it forces a smile to my face. When I hear good music, it moves me to tears. When something is funny it makes me laugh harder than ever. It's sensory overload. I'm overwhelmed with an appreciation for human talent and how mind blowing the world around us is. I feel alive.
This doesn't just mean I'm on an emotional high. It's not just a Cloud 9 experience. It's reality... Smacking me in the face!
One of the biggest things I feel is how broken I am. I have lived a good life so far and been given so much to help me through life, but I still recall how I constantly take these things for granted, including the people around me. Lot's of people try not to regret things in their life, and for the purpose of being optimistic, I find myself agreeing with a lot of that, BUT, I can't help that I regret how much I have not been as concerned for the well being of the people around me (even close friends) as I have my own selfish little world. We as humans have the power to encourage each other in so many ways, potentially saving lives, but we let ourselves remain hypnotized by all of the meaningless things around us that mostly have to do with us satisfying our own desires. I have in mind all of the new friends I've made over the last couple of years and I'm evaluating how well I've actually been active in being a positive force in their life, and I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed in myself. So what should I do with that? I refuse to let it beat me down. I'm ready to learn.
The biggest thing I've been able to envision lately is how, regardless of what anyone believes, (including myself) there are Good forces, and there are Evil forces working towards us humans. The Evil force is taking everything that's good and stable, and tearing it apart. While the Good force is constantly picking up these broken things and causing good to happen. This has been happening since day one and will continue to happen even after we die.
Here is what I take from this. Even though I've made mistakes and haven't been a good example of what I think selfless living should look like. I have a fresh start. I have to believe that I can start over. If it weren't true, than everything I've ever believed is a joke. People can move on and make good happen from any circumstance.
I'm at an intersection and I see the two options perfectly clear. I'm determined to use the rest of my life for bettering the people around me. I want to always try to understand other view points and be a good listener, because God knows I'm not a great speaker. I'm not a well of wisdom and knowledge, but in this moment, I have a heart that I can feel beating in my chest and I have a healthy intimidation for the magnitude of what's ahead.
There is hope for good to exist in our world I have to avoid the things that cause my heart to grow cold and forget about how much work there is to be done here before I die. I realize now that we have no idea how little or much our actions affect those around us.
I'm sorry to anyone who feels like I let them down or treated them with less respect than they deserve. I'm on my way up from here on out, on a desperate mission to keep meaning in my life. I'm happy to have a good team to help me and I invite anyone else to join us. We're imperfect and we need more people like us.
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